How do autistic people flirt? | Autistic Sex Ed

No matter your neurotype, flirting is a bit of a mystery to most people. We try to navigate it with pretty vague advice like ‘make more eye contact’ (which sounds like my inner monologue when I’m masking), or the particularly unhelpful ‘just be yourself’. Most of us have probably had to ask a friend for tips or found ourselves Googling 'How can you tell if someone’s flirting with you?’ to try and decipher whether someone’s behaviour is friendly or something more.

Given that so often flirting is about reading between the lines of unclear body language and verbal cues, imagine how much more confusing it can be to those of us who are autistic. It’s difficult to recognise that we’re being flirted with, or to flirt intentionally - and sometimes we’re perceived as flirting when we’re only trying to be friendly.

But, contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t mean that autistic people are ‘bad’ at flirting. We absolutely can flirt, we might just do it differently to allistic people (people who aren’t autistic). Even if the ways we show interest, attraction and affection look a bit different, they’re still wonderful and deserve celebration.

In this post we’re going to talk about:

• Penguin pebbling

• Infodumping

• Flirting by fixing

• Sharing ‘safe’ items

• Adapting routines

• The obvious stuff

Note: These examples won’t be universal for all autistic people and some may also apply to allistic people (people who aren’t autistic). It’s a non-exhaustive list and not representative of the experiences of all autistic people. This isn’t a guide to teach autistic people how to flirt, but a starting point to help people understand and recognise some of the ways we show affection to others. And remember:

• Flirting is hard to recognise and easily misread so make sure to communicate.

• Flirting is not consent. Always make sure you’ve got clear, enthusiastic consent before making a move and remember that it can be taken away at any time.

Penguin pebbling

Some of the best pebbles I found on Brighton Beach!

What is ‘penguin pebbling’, I hear you ask? It’s a term based on actual penguins, who give each other pebbles and stones to show that they care for each other. Ugh, adorable.

Many autistic people do the same with people they care about, giving them little gifts or tokens to show affection or to let them know that we were thinking about them. Usually these gifts aren’t fancy or expensive, and since many of us love nature, it’ll often be something we found like a cool leaf, a pressed flower or a pretty rock (you could even get a crystal if you’re lucky). Sometimes it’ll be a photo of a place or object, or a particularly relatable meme.

Some of us also find a lot of meaning in receiving small gifts, actions or words from people we care about. I’m a bit like a magpie collecting these things and it doesn’t really matter how inconsequential the object is. It could be a teeny tiny pebble or just a smiley face drawn on a Post-It note -  it’s special to me because it reminds me of my relationship with that person.

Infodumping

As an author and speaker, I’ve basically made infodumping my job

Everybody likes talking about things they’re interested in, but when autistic people and ADHDers talk about our special interests, hyperfixations, or even random facts, we might come across as particularly intense, excitable and sometimes so engrossed in what we’re saying we don’t notice our surroundings.

Infodumping is a magical thing. There’s nothing like seeing someone monologuing so passionately and knowledgeably about something they love that you have to remind them to stop to breathe.

The intense urge to share information can be quite overwhelming and is more difficult to regulate for some autistic people than others. I often find myself infodumping more when I’m feeling excited or nervous and not sure what to say (going on dates with me can be pretty educational for the other person).

Many autistic people have had an experience of being shut down or mocked when infodumping, or taught themselves to suppress it, so when we connect with someone we’re at ease with and happy talking to, that’s the sweet spot for infodumping.

When it comes to flirting, infodumping helps in a few ways:

1. We can introduce subjects we’re passionate about (which are probably a big part of our lives) and showcase our enthusiasm and personality. It lets the other person know that we want to share our thoughts and knowledge with them.

2. It helps us to see whether the other person has similar interests and whether they’re into little things we might enjoy like fun or weird facts. I usually end up realising that I’m talking to another neurodivergent person when we start swapping facts back and forth instead of having a structured conversation.

3. We all feel (and come across) more confident when talking about things we’re fascinated by or know a lot about, rather than just making small talk.

Not all infodumping could be considered flirting (because if you get us going on the right topic, many of us will be happy to infodump to anyone). It’s more a matter of being excited to share with that person specifically, maybe trying to impress them or talk about things that we think they’d find interesting.

However, it’s important to remember that flirting and dating needs to leave room for everyone involved, and it’s hard for people to get to know each other if one person is doing all the talking and the other one can’t get a word in edgeways. If you find yourself having one-sided conversations, try to ask questions (people love being asked about themselves) and find a balance between talking about yourself and finding out about the other person.

Flirting by fixing

This is one of my favourite ways to show that I’m paying attention to someone. Helping solve a problem, making someone’s life a bit easier or learning some useful information is a great mix of kindness, flirting and practicality (and it gives me something to pour any nervous crush-related energy into).

This might look like:

You want help hanging some frames up on the wall? I’m on my way and I’m bringing my hammer

• Researching their interests so we can talk about it in conversation (and to understand more about that person and what they’re into).

• Finding info for a project they’re working on, maybe suggesting different approaches or sending over a handy YouTube video.

• Looking for solutions to a problem they’re dealing with, even if it’s something small but fixable that was mentioned in passing.

• Teaching them how to do something, passing on skills or offering ‘hacks’ to make their life easier (which, from experience, may sometimes come across as patronising rather than flirty if it’s not directly been asked for!).

• Suggesting body doubling or parallel play, which makes it easier to get tasks done and socialise separately but together (which is a great, low pressure way to hang out with the person you fancy).

• Check ins - reminding people we care about to drink water or take a break (which we often need to hear ourselves if we have poor interoception and can’t read our body’s signals).

Sharing ‘safe’ items

The world is pretty overstimulating and exhausting for autistic people. We learn to rely on things which help us protect ourselves, soothe overwhelm and recharge, like safe foods, clothing or comfort TV.

via GIPHY

Personally, I love the sitcom New Girl so much I could burst, and I’ve relied on it to get me through many tough situations (it helps that all the characters are very neurodivergent-coded). Even though I reference and recommend it all the time, the idea of sitting down to watch it with someone else makes me protective and stressed out.

Our ‘safe’ things also risk judgement from others. If an autistic person has a niche special interest, an emotional connection to a piece of media or relies on specific safe foods, they might worry about being perceived as ‘weird’ or ‘intense’, especially if they’ve not disclosed their autism diagnosis (which is a completely personal decision).

I find that when I like someone and feel comfortable enough, being vulnerable and giving them an insight into these aspects of my life helps them understand who I am and how I stay regulated. It can be nerve wracking, but a bit of openness definitely helps to deepen a bond with another person.

Adapting routines

Routines and struggling with change are a couple of key autistic traits, though what they look like in reality varies from person to person. Some people have to be very regimented about routines and sameness, whereas others can have a bit more flexibility. If, like me, you’ve got the autism and ADHD combo, you’ve probably found that your brain paradoxically loves and hates change in equal measure.

Flirting, dating and relationships can put pressure on our routines, which is one of the reasons some autistic people find the transition from being single to being in a relationship overwhelming.

Getting to know people and building a connection is largely about repetition and spending time together so as well as adapting existing routines, we might develop new ones around a crush, which isn’t always intentional and can be difficult to navigate if the other person doesn’t realise they’ve become part of that process.

These changes in routine could be things like:

• trying a new coffee order because the cute barista suggested it (despite always ordering the same drink at the same time every day).

• opting for a different lunch hour or route to work to spend it getting to know the person you’re interested in.

• moving from the seat you always sit in so you can sit next to them.

These seem like small gestures from the outside, but disrupted routines can be a big deal to an autistic person because it’s easy to become dysregulated and overwhelmed by change.

The obvious stuff

How many flowers do you have to buy to make it obvious that you’re flirting?

Sometimes people try so hard to flirt through ‘signs’ and subtle hints, that they forget about the really obvious stuff.

One of my favourite things about autistic communication is that it’s often pretty direct. No matter our communication style or language level, we tend to say what we mean, and don’t mess around with small talk or fluffy euphemisms. When so much meaning can get lost with flirting, particularly if you don’t think you know how to do it (at least by neurotypical standards), it’s much easier to show or tell someone how we feel about them.

Many autistic people will get straight to the point and let their crush know they’re interested, and might find themselves on the receiving end of a confused reaction if, to that person, it seems to have come out of nowhere. Some people will find this refreshing though, and appreciate the directness. I know that myself and many of my autistic friends wish more people took this approach so we could avoid uncomfortable situations where we had no idea someone was flirting with us.

I’ve also noticed that some autistic people tend to ‘perform’ romance - which isn't to say it’s not genuine, but it can sometimes be reminiscent of old-school or movie romance. I’ve picked up on this in my own life and in autistic media like Love on the Spectrum.

Although this is only an observation and not universal, it makes sense for two reasons:

1. These gestures are a lot more conspicuous, without the usual subtlety of flirting. Think flowers, writing letters and suggesting more traditional, structured dates - things which clearly, culturally say in big, shiny letters: I AM DOING ROMANCE.

2. Autistic people regularly learn social cues from media. In movies and books, we regularly see a heightened, idealised version of romance that people don’t typically reenact in their real life relationships. But autistic people may take these representations of flirting, dating or ‘winning someone over’ more literally as guides on how to ‘do’ romance.  

How do you know if an autistic person is flirting with you?

The secret to knowing whether someone is into you is… To ask them.

I know that seems like odd advice after a whole post about ways some autistic people flirt, but you won’t know unless you ask directly. The truth is, though we might do these things more intentionally when we have a crush or want to date someone, they’re also things we do for platonic friends and people we care about.

Communication is always the answer (doing it surrounded by pink is optional)

Flirting, whether it’s neurotypical or not, isn’t always clear cut and it’s not the best idea to make assumptions about how someone feels about you just because you read an article which told you that someone laughing at your jokes means they fancy you (maybe you’re actually quite funny).

Communicating directly can initially be awkward, but it’s probably not going to be as uncomfortable as the situations you might find yourself in if you make a move without asking, or distance yourself from a friend because you think there’s a possibility that they’re flirting with you. None of us are mind readers and it’s particularly difficult for autistic people to know how our behaviour is being perceived, or to read into the behaviour of others.

And remember, flirting is not consent. It’s incredibly easy to misread flirting, whether you’re autistic or not. Enthusiastic, informed consent is essential. Be direct and communicate clearly so that everyone involved is sure they’re on the same page.

If you like the way I explain sex and relationships, you might like my book, HONEST: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies. You can find loads more content like this over on my Instagram and TikTok.