How do you know if you're ready to have sex? Questions to think about before your first time
Photographer: River Solace
There is so much pressure put on the first time you have sex. Way too much pressure, in my humble opinion. Many of us have been made to feel like we either need to have the perfect first experience or shove off all the societal expectations attached to ‘losing your virginity’ or ‘sexual debuts’ (both of those phrases give me the ick so let’s just talk about first times instead) by getting it over and done with.
Now, we get told what to feel about sex, particularly first time sex, all the time. By media, education, parents, friends, even politicians and laws. Teens and young people often want me to tell them what the right time, relationship status or age is to start having sex, or whether they started ‘too early’ or ‘too late’. It’s unsurprising that people often look for more concrete rules around first time sex when this idea of right and wrong is so prominent in our cultural narrative around sex.
The problem is, no one tells us how to figure out how WE feel about it or what’s right for us. And that’s pretty important because if, how and when you decide to have sex is a really personal decision.
Let’s define ‘first times’
Though I’m talking about first time sex here, my personal definition of that is pretty broad. I don’t think most people have One Big First Time™. Many of us have lots of little first times, and we might have big feelings about all (or none) of them. The first time you ever have sex isn’t automatically more important or weighty than all of the other firsts. Not everyone’s first time having sex is a positive experience, and knowing that there are so many other firsts you have can take some of the power out of a bad experience. For example, here are a few of the firsts someone might have:
First time being naked with someone
First time touching your own or someone else’s genitals
First time with a new partner
First time with multiple partners
First time doing a certain sex act
First time in a specific location
First time using toys
First time after a difficult experience or experiencing trauma
First time after coming out or first time with a queer partner
And any other firsts you can dream up! Define them however works for you.
The big question: am I ready to have sex?
People do talk about being ‘ready’ to have sex (or, in many cases, not ready). But I feel that we talk about being ready in quite a binary way: not ready to have sex and ready to have sex. While some people might wake up one day feeling 100% prepared and good to go, for some of us there’s a whole complicated process and journey along the way. Our feelings about being ready can also change, even after we’ve had sex.
So how do you know if you’re ready to have sex? Some people experience a sense of being in the right headspace, place in their life or point in their relationship. But if you’re struggling to know what that might feel like, or how to get there, there are a couple of big questions I hope the following list will help you answer:
What does ‘ready’ look and feel like for me? What would I need in order to feel ready?
There are no correct answers, and you can interpret these questions in a way that makes sense to you. It’s not an exhaustive list, and it’s the sum of all of these, as well as your feelings, circumstances and laws in your region which can help you figure out whether you’re ready to start having sex.
Some questions to think about
What feelings come up when you think about being intimate with someone, being naked, touching, being touched or having sex? Are you excited about the idea of having sex, or does it worry or scare you? Have those feelings changed over time? Can you see them changing any time soon?
Do you think you would need to drink alcohol or use substances to feel confident enough to have sex? Why? How does that make you feel?
Do you feel that you know enough about sex, consent, relationships and contraception to make informed choices about sex? Do you have the knowledge you need to feel prepared and comfortable sharing things you want and need with a partner?
Do you understand the laws around sex in your region? Are there any legal or safety implications you need to think about?
Is having sex something you want to do or are you doing it because you want a partner to be happy? Do you feel pressured in any direction by your partner, friends, family, cultural or societal pressures? How can you make sure you’re making a choice for yourself while acknowledging those other influences?
Is there someone you would like to have sex with (and who would like to have sex with you)? What’s your relationship to that person? Would sex change your relationship with them?
Does that person feel like a safe person who would respect your boundaries and feelings and communicate with you during your first time? Would they also be kind and supportive afterwards (including outside the bedroom) or would they treat you any differently?
Would you feel comfortable telling that person that it's your first time? Have they had sex before? Does that matter to you?
If your partner has had sex before, have they had an STI screening and do they know their results? Do you know how, when and where to get tested once you’re sexually active?
Is there a safe and private space where you can have sex? Can you use that space at any time or would you need to plan ahead to have privacy?
Have you thought about the risk (if any) of pregnancy or STIs (sexually transmitted infections)? Are you able to obtain contraception or barrier methods like condoms and lube? Do you know how to find the right condom size and which lubes are compatible with different condoms (never mix oils or oil-based lubes with latex condoms!)?
Have you got any ideas about things you might (or might not) be into, kinds of touch you like on different parts of your body or names or adjectives you’re okay with being used in dirty talk? It can be difficult to know what we might be into or what boundaries we might have if we don’t have any experience. But you might have some idea of these things from solo play or general boundaries you have around touch or sensory issues.
Do you know what happens after sex? Do you know about aftercare and how will you talk about and soothe any feelings that come up for you or a partner during or after?
Do you know where to go for support if anything goes a different way than you want it to? Do you know where to go if you need, for example, emergency contraception or support services?
Something to take away
Like I said, I can’t tell you whether you’re ready and we can’t plan everything in life. But based on these answers, you might have a better idea of what’s important to you and whether you’re currently in the right place to have sex. Even if you’ve had sex before, if you don’t feel able to answer these questions in a way you feel good about, it’s okay to decide to wait or to work on some stuff to feel more ready before having sex again.
Make sure to respect all of the feelings that come up around sex, particularly if it’s not something you’ve experienced before. And if your first time isn’t the magical, life-changing experience people sometimes say it is, that’s totally okay. There will be plenty of other firsts if you want to have them.