How to talk to your kids about sex | Tips from a sex educator
I recently had a chat with a lovely journalist from The Guardian about how to chat to your kids about sex (you can read that article here). Naturally, I had a lot to say and not all of it could be included so I thought I’d write up my thoughts and share them with you.
A quick note to say that I’m not a parent, I’m an accredited Relationships and Sex Educator based in the UK. I’m also the author of HONEST: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies, a guide for teens and young adults.
When should you talk to your kids about sex?
I don’t believe in The Talk - it’s intimidating, it’s awkward and it’s impossible to cover everything they need to know in one go. Make it a habit to chat little and often, to keep communication lines open so you can talk about things as they come up.
People worry about telling their kids specifically about sex, when really that’s one piece of a much wider conversation. There are building blocks which can be introduced from really early childhood, around emotions, body parts, bodily autonomy and consent (the PANTS resource from NSPCC can be helpful for this).
Through primary school kids will need to learn about friendship, communication, self-esteem and different families. It’s helpful to take an attitude of preparation - make sure they know what to expect before they hit puberty, get access to a smartphone, or start exploring sex and relationships, rather than just reacting when things go wrong.
For parents of over 14s, BISH has a brilliant Teach Yourself Sex Ed course which I can’t recommend highly enough.
The perfect age to have these conversations is going to be down to you and what your child needs, but if you want a breakdown of what experts and research would suggest children and young people should learn at different ages, take a look at the UNESCO guidance (page 37 onwards).
Don’t schedule a family meeting
We’re more likely to be relaxed whilst we’re distracted by something else, and not having to think about awkward eye contact or filling silences. It’s often easier to broach an uncomfortable subject, whether that’s mental health or sex and relationships, whilst doing an activity together, like going on a walk, cooking, or in the car, rather than sitting down face to face.
As a teenager I found this approach made it easier to ask my parents questions, and I still use it when chatting to friends because it takes the pressure off, feels less like you’re giving a lecture and gives you time to think about how to approach your answers.
Try not to be embarrassed
If you were lucky enough to get any sex ed yourself, it’s unlikely you remember everything you were ever taught, but you’ll undoubtedly remember how awkward or uncomfortable your teacher or parent was. The feeling in the room is often far more memorable than the lesson itself.
Of course it can be awkward and embarrassing to talk about sex, relationships and all the weird things bodies and people do, especially if you’re unsure or unused to talking about these things. Try to approach these conversations with a tone of curiosity, humour and openness - you might find it helpful to watch some sex ed videos online (ahem, I’ve got a few hundred you could watch on Instagram and TikTok) to find the right tone.
ALSO - laughing is absolutely fine! These things are funny and awkward and it’s important to find the silly moments and not take it all too seriously.
Give them the gifts of critical thinking and media literacy
Given the current information landscape, critical thinking and media literacy are some of the best skills you can teach a child.
We have access to a wealth of information and so many brilliant resources created by the best and brightest experts around which means that sex ed can be more accessible and tailored than ever.
But (BIG but), there is a lot of rubbish out there and it’s much harder to unlearn misinformation than it is to learn the right stuff the first time around. Teach them how to find trustworthy, helpful resources and how to filter out content created for clickbait, misinformation or to sell products.
Some of my favourite online resources:
Let them do some of the learning themselves
Time to bring in the experts. There are so many brilliant books, podcasts, YouTube channels, TV shows and online resources, so use these to your advantage! When I was growing up I was a big reader so my mum would often leave books about puberty and growing up on my bed and then we’d chat about them if I had any questions.
Make sure to vet the resources first to ensure they’re age appropriate and medically accurate.
Some books by brilliant educators I know:
Can We Talk About Consent? by Justin Hancock
Here and Queer: A Queer Girl’s Guide to Life by Rowan Ellis
Queer Up: An Uplifting Guide to LGBTQ+ Love, Life and Mental Health by Alexis Caught
My book HONEST: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies
Resources can be fictional too - Officially Losing It by Rebecca Anderson explores first time sex, consent and gynaecological health issues, and Sex Education on Netflix explored countless sex and relationships issues over four seasons.
Use media as a springboard
Is there a toxic relationship in that show you’re watching as a family? Did a misogynistic lyric come up in a song you heard them listening to? Has something come up in the news that you could talk about?
Using media as a springboard is a great way to talk about tricky subjects in a more abstract way, referring to characters, fictional situations or news stories, rather than your real lives.
Sharing isn’t always caring
I think one of the reasons parents get intimidated by these conversations is that they worry that they’re going to have to talk about themselves or learn things about their kids that they’d rather not know. This isn’t the case at all, and it’s important for everyone involved to have boundaries around sharing personal experiences and respect the confidentiality of any information which is shared, just like teachers would in a classroom.
Also remember that just because you’ve had a certain experience, that doesn’t mean it’s a universal one so simply sharing what you know might not be that educational for your child. As sex educators we’re taught to facilitate learning and exploration, helping young people find their own way to a conclusion, rather than just dropping a big pile of facts and opinions on their heads.
Find out what their school is up to
If you’re reading this then you’re probably already invested in your child’s sex ed, but it’s worth finding out what’s on their school curriculum, especially since this may have changed in the last couple of years since new guidelines came into place.
Unfortunately, you can’t just assume that schools will do the job for you. Though there are some doing phenomenal work, Relationships and Sex Education just isn’t prioritised in our education system so the provision of even the rather lacklustre mandatory curriculum is a bit of a postcode lottery.
I’d also really encourage you to give feedback to your child’s school and show your support for more comprehensive, inclusive sex ed lessons so they know that there’s an appetite for it.
There are things they’ll know more about than you
I regularly credit my parents for how enthusiastically they answered my questions growing up and how they encouraged me to learn about sex and relationships but it’s gone both ways. My parents also talk about how much they’ve learnt from me and my brothers, especially around LGBTQ+ identity, language, self-esteem and the modern dating landscape.
Your kids are growing up in a different environment to you. They’ll almost certainly know more than you about social media, current trends and things happening in their age group. It’s scary not to know everything, especially when you want to protect your child, but there’s also room for curiosity there. Ask them to explain things to you (which gives them the little confidence boost of being in the know), and don’t shut them down or jump in with your own advice or experiences without hearing about their own.
For social media and tech stuff you might be unsure about, Catherine Knibbs makes great resources.
Try to use the right words
Our own bodies shouldn’t be a mystery to us so I’d encourage you to use anatomically correct language like vulva, vagina, penis, anus and so on. But make sure to teach yourself first! Surveys have shown how few adults actually know the names and locations of their body parts, so do some research so you can pass on the knowledge.
I’m also not a fan of euphemisms. Tiptoeing around a subject can be really awkward and confusing and makes it really easy for things to be lost in translation (especially for autistic people). Children and young people need clear, direct language to understand their bodies, communicate about their health and discuss relationships and sexual boundaries.
You won’t know everything (and that’s actually important)
It’s literally my job to talk about this stuff and I still don’t know close to everything there is to know. I sometimes have to Google things or tell young people that I don’t know the answer to their question and that I’ll let them know once I’ve found out. The world doesn’t end because you’re not sure about something, and it’s much better to take a moment to get the right information than guessing at an answer!
Don’t be afraid not to know things - admitting to not knowing and showing a curiosity to find out the answer together can be a really valuable experience, and shows how we’re always learning.
Don’t leave out disabled/neurodivergent children
This is more of a plea than a suggestion. Disabled and neurodivergent children are often left in the dark for far longer than their nondisabled/neurotypical counterparts, either because they’re denied the information entirely, or because what they’re told doesn’t make sense to them or cover their experiences. (I’m autistic, ADHD and disabled myself so I have firsthand knowledge of this, as well as through being a sex educator.)
It might feel like protecting a child or young person to not teach them or delay teaching them about sex or their body, but often this leads to confusion and harm, especially given that disabled and neurodivergent (particularly autistic) people are at much higher risk of experiencing sexual abuse, coercion and relationship abuse. It’s important that all children understand their own bodies and autonomy, and have the language to ask questions and speak up if something goes wrong.
Naturally these conversations might look a little different if you’re adapting them to your child’s needs, but there are a growing number of resources out there.
A couple of books I like:
Safeguarding Autistic Girls by Carly Jones MBE - aimed at professionals but helpful for parents and carers too.
Queerly Autistic: The Ultimate Guide for LGBTQIA+ Teens on the Autistic Spectrum by Erin Ekins
Dateable: Swiping Right, Hooking Up and Settling Down While Chronically Ill and Disabled by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp - aimed at adults but could be helpful for older teens and parents of disabled children who want to know how to prepare them for the future.
If you have any tips of your own (or any questions for me!) feel free to leave them in the comments.